Lost Library: The 5 Love Languages

It's February and love is in the air and on the page as we celebrate her power in this months' Lost Library reviews. According to the Greeks there are 7 types of love, we are going to explore 4 of them this month: Starting with Pragma (long-lasting love) below we will move on to Storgae (familial love), then Philautia (loving thyself) and round it off with Philia (brotherly love) in my favorite book Gates of Fire at the end of the month. Stay tuned and enjoy. Comment below.

The 5 Love Languages
By Gary Chapman
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
203 Pages
Northfield Publishing, 2015
​Love, Marraige and Communication

Between busy schedules and long days, expressing love can fall by the wayside. We forget to compliment, to give gifts “just because,” to linger in our embrace. The things that say “I love you” seem to either not get said or not get through. This is a book about saying it—and hearing it—clearly. No gimmicks. No psychoanalyzing. Just learning to express love in your spouse’s language. - From the back of the book

Love is the most important word in the English language--and the most confusing.”          - Page 19

Gary Chapman and his wife Karolyn were set to travel to Africa and begin the life of mission in the developing world. But alas, it was not to be and Gary’s life plan seemed to be over before it began. Every challenge also affords opportunity and although Gary never saw it coming – he set down the path of another journey in counseling that has changed his life and millions of others.

Gary believed it was his duty to find a way to help as many people as he could. It was this revelation and his understanding the message must be simple which led to the 13 easy-to-read chapters that make up The 5 Love Languages – now printed in dozens of languages and tens of millions of copies.
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The premise is straightforward: Everyone needs to be loved and everyone expresses and receives love in different but complimentary ways. Chapman started by excising the idea of ‘falling in love’ from ‘being in love.’ Through the middle chapters he outlines the five love languages and provides multiple case studies for each along with solid examples on how to get started speaking your lover’s language.

Full disclosure: Like many men I was skeptical about this book. I found the premise a little touchy-feely and the first copy I owned gathered dust for years before I tucked into it. The language is fluffy and some of the metaphors like 'love-tank' still don't sit quite right with me but it has fundamentally changed the way I consciously express love towards my wife. Like so many, I expressed love, by default, through my primary love language and not through hers. This book made me reconsider that position and has improved our communication greatly.

3 big takeaways from 5 Love Languages:
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​1. Love is a Language, with five dialects: 

Simply put, the premise of the book is this:  You must express your love in a manner that your lover identifies with or your lover will not feel loved.

The five dialects are -
Words of Affirmation: Saying "I love you," yes but more than that. Pet names. Compliments, especially public ones. Learn to say I love in different languages.  Send a cute or naughty text using only emojis. 

Acts of Service: Doing something for your lover that is out of the ordinary. For example if you normally mow the lawn and your lover does the laundry, then both express your love but doing the laundry is a more effective expression because it something your lover would normally have to do. Don't be afraid to ask what needs doing.

Receiving Gifts: Big or small. If this is your lover's primary language than special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries and holidays must be celebrated with gifts. Taking the time to grab your lovers favorite candy bar for just-any-old-day keeps the love alive. Buy two copies of a book and share in reading it.

Quality Time:  Specific time and occasion set aside for your lover. If you are married with kids this means time as family (like game night) but specifically some time without kids where your attention is focused on your lover. Date night is important, especially if it includes a selfless action like letting your lover pick the movie and restaurant. 

Physical Touch: Sex, yes but more than that. A kiss hello. Cuddling on the couch. A soft pat on the bum that says I still find you desirable.

For kids it is overt, like a bear hug. With our son, Michael, we have a family joke that his ears are made of "Beef Turkey" (from before he could correctly pronounce Jerky) and when one of us plays with his ears it says 'I love you.'

2. Take the time to find your Love Language. The most common mistake people make is projecting their love language onto their lover and not taking the time to express love in that person’s primary love language.

This was my biggest mistake. For a long time I expressed love through Acts of Service because that was my primary love language. But, and a big but, Amber's primary love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Realizing that I needed to consciously express love in that way greatly strengthened our marriage. It also helped my wife to stop thinking of Act of Service as acts of subservience and express her love in my language. 
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3. Being in love is NOT falling in love. Long lasting love is commitment and requires work. While Dr. Chapman does have a 5 Love Languages edition for singles it primarily focuses on helping singles find long lasting love. He makes no bones about it, lust and falling in love are just temporary. Staying in love is work.

From 5lovelanguages.com Featuring Love You More by Above the Golden State. Get the Song from the Video.

​Love is a choice…freely given.” - Chapter 10

Hero Tenets in Love:

Be a person of Action:  You must express Love to your lover – in their Love Language – at least once per day.

Be Excellent: Gary’s advice for parents is that keep your marriage healthy and the family’s emotional health will follow.

Live by a code: Gary’s ethos: Love is a choice, freely given. His code: the five languages.

Champion: Gary developed the 5 Love Languages to express a simple set of ideas to as many people as possible.

Wander: The single biggest threat to marriage and long lasting love is stagnation.  Be adventurous with your lover in what you do and how you say “I Love You.”

​Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love.” – Page 20

The precepts of Gary's 5 Love Languages apply to all long term relationships like that of parent and child.

From left to right: Physical Touch (developing into Words...), Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Quality Time.

For more on The 5 Love Languages:

The book contains useful and actionable suggestions after each chapter as well as several appendices designed to help you apply the 5 love languages to your everyday life. 

​Find your Primary Love Language: Go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and hit the purple button at the top or Download the PDF profile that came with the audio book in our resources tab.

Check out Lavendaire’s great VLOG about The 5 Love Languages:

Dig deeper on http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/free-study-guides/. Click on the individual editions and download PDFs of many free resources such as study guides or facilitator guidelines. 

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#love is on the page with #Lost Library’s #bookreview of @DrGaryChapman #5LoveLanguages on www.wanderlost.today just in time for #valentines